I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
