i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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