so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
