He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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