He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
