hotel room ftw
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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