turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
