So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
