my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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