that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
