Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
