You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
