Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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