I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i dont even know how to be here
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
