I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize