I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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