Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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