we have pet lesbian snakes
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I touched a dick in church today
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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