I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We need to get me chipped asap
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