Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
