Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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