If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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