I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
