I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
