I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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