I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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