Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
