She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
