I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
