I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
