Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
