we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
