Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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