So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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