Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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