I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
