My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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