69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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