my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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