oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
