she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
