i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
