he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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