I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
