Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
