My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
