It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
