What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
