EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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