just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
