you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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