I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
