I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize