Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize