I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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