he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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