I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize