I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
